Your inspired, original and, for me, deeply moving advertising campaign aired in the US about the need to shave to cure dudeness has received a lot of criticism in the press and by viewers both male and female. But I’m here to tell them, and anyone who will listen, just why they are wrong.
With thousands of Youtube views and (what seems like) thousands of Facebook shares decorating my newsfeed, your campaign has gone global. And I couldn’t be more glad. What many don’t realise is that dudeness is a real physical problem that affects many women worldwide. Dudeness prevents us from becoming the real women that God intended us to be – completely hairless from the neck down and thus impeccably attractive and appealing to every man we happen to come across. One of the physical side effects of dudeness is that it makes the sufferer unattractive, like a man. After all, as one of the many wonderful adverts points out, what kind of man would want to wake up next to another man? Men, by nature, are hairy and ugly. Dudeness, sadly, renders women with symptoms that mimic the hairiness and ugliness that men naturally possess.
Veet have provided a cure. Their cure allows women to liberate themselves from dudeness and regain their femininity, the femininity that they cherished in their glory days at age eleven, when they enjoyed a hairless and thus dudeness-free existence and could get any boy they wanted.
I particularly enjoyed your advert that shows a woman trying to hail a taxi and failing because of her unshaven underarms putting taxi drivers off. God forbid a gawping, sweaty taxi driver might not find me attractive if he gets a glimpse of my hairy pits. What if the next taxi driver to come along happened to be the taxi driver of my dreams? He’d take one look at said pits and think: ‘that girl has dudeness. That girl is not well.’ My romance would be over before it had even begun. He probably wouldn’t even allow me in his taxi and I’d have to take the bus. No luxuries, no ease of transportation is allowed a dudeness sufferer.
My personal favourite, though, has to be the advert that shows a woman being loaded into the back of an ambulance and having to reveal her dudeness to a paramedic. This one really had the fear factor. I know that many of my friends who have had serious medical emergencies were too nervous to call for an ambulance in case the paramedics discovered the hideous, matted clumps of hair lay nestled beneath their jeans. One good friend of mine accidently chopped her leg off not long ago in a horrifying casserole-related accident but was too scared to call an ambulance for help and reveal her dudeness to the paramedics, who, as we all know, are by their very nature incredibly judgemental and critical of appearance. Many will refuse to treat you at all if you don’t look up to their standards and that means completely clean-shaven. No healthcare or hospitals for dudeness sufferers, only home stitching and shame. My friend’s only solace was that at least some of her dudeness was taken care of, as now only one hairy leg remains.
You have received criticism for being homophobic and transphobic because many claim that your adverts suggest both that men must naturally find other men repulsive and that a man wearing a dress and heels is unnatural and unattractive. I urge you to ignore such claims. Obviously, those who identify as gay and transgender/transsexual are unnatural and have no place in modern society, hence why the UK recently voted against gay marriage and why any man who feels that he may be able to wear a dress in this liberated, modern society is instantly burned at the stake for his crime. Too many people refuse to take a stand against the disease that threatens to overcome the Western world: diversity. Diversity and dudeness are perhaps the two d’s of doom. Thank goodness that Veet shines a pink, sticky beacon guiding us towards a future without them.
Thank you, Veet, for not only bringing to light this serious issue and placing the incredibly traumatic condition of dudeness in the public eye, but also for providing a cure. Many people have criticised you in claims that you play on women’s needless insecurities about their natural body hair (natural? Ridiculous) in a disgusting and irresponsible manner to encourage them to buy your product, but I say that these people must be blind to the good work you are doing, probably because their eyebrows have grown too thick and bushy to allow for proper sight.
I can barely continue to type through tears of gratitude, so unfortunately I must end my praise of your wonderful campaign now. You’ve given hope to so many and I’m certainly wishing that you will continue your fearless fight to promote gender constructs and encourage us girls to be the womanly, hairless women that we deserve to be, around the clock. Dudeness sufferers should feel hope and happiness that they can cure themselves with, say, a roll on wax kit that will cost them a measly £15. Stay strong: Veet is going to change the world as we know it, one (hideously) hairy leg at a time.
So, Veet, thank you.